Wednesday, June 06, 2007

First Love -- Part III

"I'm really sorry," he said quietly. It was probably the eight hundredth time he had uttered those godforsaken words within the past hour.

I ignored him. I engrossed myself in the art of folding my laundry. Three weeks had passed since I last did my laundry -- or any chores for that matter. I spent every single day in bed under my sheets except when I had to go to class. I did nothing that deviated from the norm. My roommate managed to develop scorn of some sort towards me already. She hasn't gone back for a week now. She's been crashing at her boyfriend's all this time. I must have been a jolly good fellow to be around with.

"Please talk to me," he begged. "Say something."

I looked at him sternly. "And what exactly did you want me to say?"

"I don't know, anything!" He looked more desperate than a recovering alcoholic in front of a champagne fountain.

My eyes couldn't bring themselves to produce any more tears. I must've fulfilled my year's quota for tears over the past three weeks. I reckon that the sadness is over -- anger and hate washing it over in full force.

I dumped the turtleneck sweater I was holding on my bed. I stood up and tried hard to regain my composure.

"I'm sorry," I started.

I almost heard a whiplash happen as his head swung towards my direction. "Excuse me?" he said positively bewildered.

"I'm sorry," I repeated it. A little more loudly this time.

"I'm sorry that you are a world class jackass. I'm sorry that you have a brain the size of a bean sprout. I'm sorry that you are so weak. I'm sorry that you cheated on me. And I'm even more sorry that it had to be with that slut lady friend of yours that's a friend of the family's," I said whilst making dramatic finger quotes for emphasis on the last phrase. I felt my voice rising and my cheeks flaring up.

"I'm sorry that you got drunk. I'm sorry that you never learned how to handle your alcohol. I'm sorry that it all started with a kiss. I'm sorry that it just happened without any of you planning on it," I was seething inside and a giant lump was rising in my throat.

Then I yelled, "And I'm sorriest for being the stupidest girl alive to allow this to happen the second time around!!!"

I fell on my knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. My knees hit the rug the wrong way and I felt my kneecaps throbbing in pain. The pain, however, wasn't enough to override the hurt I was feeling inside. I wanted the ground to just open up and swallow me in my entirety.

He ran to my side and put his arms around me. "Baby, I'm really really really sorry. I swear to God I'm so sorry. You gotta believe me. I'll never hurt you again."

I cradled my knees to stop the pain. Whether or not I was trying to curb the pain on my knees or my heart, I'm not quite sure. My tears felt hot against my face and my hair was clinging onto the its wetness. I couldn't breathe -- literally -- I started gasping for breath as if the tubes to my lungs have closed up.

"Baby?" he whispered, almost scared that I might die in that instant. "Are you okay?"

It took a minute or two to calm myself down. I shut my eyes tightly and briefly tried to go to a wonderful place. Even in my most private thoughts he was there. I opened my eyes again and saw his face filled with concern and anxiety.

"Get out," I said in a hoarse voice. "I want you to get out -- out of my room, out of my apartment and out of my life!"

His face crumpled and his eyes glazed over. "But baby," he said. "We've been together for four years. Can I try working my way back to you? Please don't shut me out. Not yet. I love you. I love you so much. Please?"

I stared him down. "You should've thought of that three weeks ago when you came back from home with the slut's note stuck in your coat's pocket," I glowered at him without remorse.

Then he broke down. He covered his face with his hands in that typical male fashion where they don't want anyone to know that they're actually capable of crying.

He looked at me with pleading eyes. "Please find it in your heart to give me half a chance," he said, barely audible. "I can't live without you. I wouldn't know what to do without you."

I brushed his hands off my arm. "Yes, you can. I managed to live without you for the past three weeks. It's a promising start," I retorted. "I'm sure you won't have any trouble doing the same thing. After all, you have that slut to go back to."

"No," he cried. "No, no, no..."

I held my room's door open for him. I was breaking inside but I know I needed to do this for myself. He took one last look at me in a bid to say farewell and I'm sorry but I turned away.

"I will always love you. I'm so sorry," I heard him say before I heard him trudge across the apartment to let himself out.

I held tightly onto the doorknob as if willing it to keep me from running after him. I hated him for hurting me so much, and I hated myself for falling so deeply for him. I wanted the aching to stop... it was consuming my very being.

Does it always hurt this much? This funny thing they call love? It's like taking you to the summit of the world only to commit to a head-on free fall with nothing to catch you at the bottom.

I had to let him go -- for his sake, for my sake, for my sanity's sake. I will always love him but it's perhaps best to contain the happy memories before the ugly ones elbow it over completely. First love. First heartbreak.

First meltdown.

Even though he had stripped me off everything I have -- including my heart and my soul -- I know that deep inside, he loved me too. Maybe we were right for each other, but we just met at the wrong time.

Or maybe... maybe I just cannot bring myself to accept that sometimes, what we thought would last forever doesn't last at all. Because maybe there is no forever.


Blogger Jennifer McK said...

It does feel that way.
I've thought "What is it about ME that ends up with THIS!"
It's taken years to accept who and what I am.
You showed him the door. It hurt, but the alternative isn't pleasant either. Been there done that.
Forever exists. But, for me, it's one fracking minute at a time.
Beautifully written, as usual, Princess.

10:01 PM  
Blogger nel said...

wow, reading your blog is like a roller coaster ride ... jezzz ... but I must say you write very well, because I don't usually fancy to read or watch "luvy" stuff. I somehow finish reading yours. Now, why I always miss to be the first poster here again ... heh, heh ... cheers, princess and take care ... :)

10:57 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Okay, purging is the best. It doesn't shadow the hurt but reminding someone they are where they are because of what THEY did? Well, that is empowering.

BTW, forever is there. It just is only there with a few special people (whether friends or lovers).

12:23 AM  
Blogger The Exception said...

How is it that doing the best thing is often the thing that hurts the worst?

I don't understand men in the sense that they do not consider the result of their actions prior to taking said action. If they stopped and considered, for just a moment, what there were doing...

There is a right one at the right time, it just takes patience and courage to wait for it to all happen - and it does, when the time is right.

1:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This thing called 'love'... I'll never understand... the harder i try the more complex it gets...

Dont let anyone hurt u... the more u let go of ur defense the harder the blow is gonna be... i learnt it the hard way...

Take care dearest...

3:02 AM  
Anonymous Karmyn R said...

ACK - I'm so sorry it had to end that way. The B-TERD. Why oh why? I don't know - but it hurts everyone who goes through it and the only thing that makes it better is time.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Love and sex go well together, but for men more so than women, I think they can be two very separate things. I know that men can easily have sex with someone, even though they deeply love someone else. But it was your call. You have to do the right thing for yourself.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

Forever is just a term. Nothing is permanent.


1:07 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Oh you go girl!

Not to sound cliche but if you were meant to be you would be together. I for one am glad you are not. You deserve far better than someone who treats you like that.

As for love... I don't have any answers. I am still trying to figure it out for myself.

1:08 PM  
Blogger Aditi said...

nothing is forever... not joy, not love and not heartbreak and pain...

2:31 PM  
Blogger Anu said...

"This funny thing they call love? It's like taking you to the summit of the world only to commit to a head-on free fall with nothing to catch you at the bottom"--wow! beautiful lines...great does feel that way!

"maybe I just cannot bring myself to accept that sometimes, what we thought would last forever doesn't last at all. Because maybe there is no forever."

-i have also pondered over these ideas soooooo many times...nothing seems to last forever!!!

2:46 PM  
Blogger alex said...


"Because maybe there is no forever."

Yeah. Only you can exist forever till your death. Nothing else.

In love, is there a restraint or norm?? Or does it mean freedom?

3:42 PM  
Blogger Confessions of a Born Procrastinator said...

k...One time is like forgivable, but, if the guy can do it a second time, well, u gotta be stupid to go with the same guy again.. howmuch ever it hurts.

Guys in love dont do such things...Period... Drunk or not, they do not forget the one they love. Else its just not love.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Crashdummie said...

OMG sweety, my heart is bleeding for you… words are just not enough, so I’ll just settle with offering you a shoulder to cry on or a big, comforting hug. Actions speak louder than words.

Thinking of you. It’s a cliché, but trust me when I say, things that don’t kill you only makes you stronger… in time.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Empty Spaces said...

that why they say u gotta feel the pain to write well.
*kudos princess*

7:42 PM  
Blogger thisisme said...

Kudos for having the strength to take the road that was right for you, even though it hurt like hell.

Thank you for your beautiful writing.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Bendtherulz said...

Greetings Princess !!

After reading ,wanted to comment - however got so engrossed that wanted to read 2nd and 1st part as well.
Good read and very convincing especially the part where you have woven the mundane stuff like - folding the laundry or instance where you fell down and described the pain in knee.
Little bit of theatre in some parts ...kk !!
I liked the ending in all 3 , right amount of emotions and leaving everyone wondering.....!!

Tk care ~

ps - hmmm so your indoor person...and likes creative writing...shows !!

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The pain in your writing is not even remotely surreal. Its all too real, I can almost reach out and touch it.

Nicely done. Keep it up.

1:54 AM  
Blogger Esmerelda said...

It NEVER really stops hurting. It hurts less eventually, but never stops. {sigh}

9:06 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

Maybe the only love that is forever is self-love? Hmm.

And it is painful, because if there's that joy, the possibility of pain is always waiting there. Maybe.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Nivi said...

"maybe I just cannot bring myself to accept that sometimes, what we thought would last forever doesn't last at all. Because maybe there is no forever"

Why is this so true..?? you are right there is no forever...and like someonse else had stated it was too real..

2:36 PM  
Blogger ThanKwee said...

I enjoy your writing Princesss Banter. I've been returning occasionaly waiting for the next post and was pleased to find this.

Well, a relationship could last forever until death do they part. However, for it to last forever, both people have to be willing to do a whole lot of forgiving because people do, and will, make mistakes.

5:44 PM  
Blogger Caught in a purple haze said...

You justified the pain.

Not all pain hurts though. It kills as well.

Wonderfully elucidated. A very nice read, indeed.

5:58 PM  
Blogger Living On Video said...

Yes, nothing lasts forever, not even the pain, so smile my friend. :)

7:00 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

Yeah, I agree with Jennifer about forever existing but it's a good question to end off with in this piece. Love makes us dream of forever and the truth is even if it does exist, maybe humans aren't conscious enough to experience ALL of it.

Sorry he was such a jerk.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Glamorous Redneck said...

I hate those fights. The kind that take every ounce of life out of you to get through it. But in the end, they purge your life of things that are harmful, and they're always for the best.

11:20 PM  
Blogger lemonade said...

that post was heartbreakingly beautiful...
I seriously cannot find any other words...

7:26 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I have no advice, because we all have to journey down that painful path ourselves (I was there once myself.)

But I do want to say that your writing is beautiful.

7:37 AM  
Blogger parisian cowboy said...

I've enjoyed this post. But I think nothing stays for ever. Everything changes.

12:07 AM  
Blogger fifi said...

This post made me cry.

You are a strong brave girl, and you know you will carry this with you, and you will speak to it endlessly, but it won't destroy you.
You deserve better, and you knew that.

The longer I live life, the less I understand of it...

8:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Luxie here reading you at almost 11 pm. Is this here your luv' story???...Weeell..if it is..I hope you got rid of the roach...yep'..roach..that's what that creature is who slept with slut...grrrrr...and if you think he's gonna' wise up...yeehaw to dreamland...a roach is a roach!

You're gonna find yourself a real prince ov' a hunk..( if you haven't yet..)soon enough...they will be flying from all points of kingdoms to pay homage at your are a know..royalty...

Hah! I guess we all go through something like this..Well i did once..not exactly like this..but once upon a time when I was in 2nd year college I met a jerk....err..never mind...boring story not worth the time nor the reminisce...

Dwats....Valentino here is calling me upstairs..gotta' go..twinkle night!

LAdy Luxie

10:50 PM  
Blogger Airam said...

Wow. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's unbelievable that despite all the hurt and pain you're feeling you managed to put all of your thoughts together to produce such a compelling post.

You're better off and deserve so much more.

11:43 PM  
Blogger X. Dell said...

'Helicoptering' in on the situation, you (or your female protagonist--I haven't read the first two parts) seem quite kind. He hasn't matured enough to understand consequences of his actions yet. Problem is some people never mature to that point.

6:09 AM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

I have read this many times,but couldn't comment. It hit too close to home. But it is well done.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Love, friend, is a complete bitch.

I've yet to discover anything I like about it, in the long term. Love cheats, abuses, hurts, angers, and sometimes doesn't even love you back.

I hate love but spend every god damn day thinking about it.

2:08 AM  
Blogger samiya said...

what to say ,i am in tears rite now( i am an emotional fool).well these lines i had to let him go for my sake ,for his sake..........i think it tells all, sometimes in life you take decisions which u knw will hurt u somewhere kill you but u still take coz in long run as they say it breaks even,hope things get better and they will with time, till then all i can say is enjoy being single and take it as a phase to heal ur self and to bring back that old u in u.
take care god bless u.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Cupid's Best Pal said...

well love doesn't come with contracts.

if u have already fallen for him.. u wouldn't ever feel like backing off from the relationship.

But then,the guy was at fault too.
Watever u did was ur wish.. nd so, maybe it was good for you.

nd well.. i cant sign off before telling u how great you are at expressing thoughts...

Loved the way you write.

Take care

11:59 PM  

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