Monday, April 16, 2007

Great Wall of the Heart

I don't speak for everyone when I say this -- though many may agree -- but I think I try to protect myself emotionally in a subconscious level by building walls around me. One of my greatest fears is not simply losing the people I love, but seeing those whom I love walk away from me without warning. That is enough to break a thousand people's hearts -- not to mention crush mine to an irreversible state.

I've heard somewhere that when the human body experiences some sort of trauma, the area that has been affected goes into a lapse of numbness in order to avoid the same unfortunate feeling again. Or something similar. I reckon it's exactly the same with emotions. Some of us can be stubborn enough to keep banging our heads against the wall knowing clearly how it's going to hurt us in the end. Those who have learned the hard way aren't quite so stupid. Rather, they turn towards the opposite end of the spectrum and avoid being put in a situation that may hurt them again. In other words, they shut down to the world -- and if lucky, maybe open a tiny crack on the window to let an itty-bitty ray of light to come in. Enough to survive, I can imagine.

Like kings and queens in our own worlds, we put up walls around our kingdoms. We protect ourselves from evil forces or any battles that may be waged against us. We decide to keep within ourselves and not bother to look out on the other side. It's like oblivion to the outside world. And we'd rather miss out than have to go through so much pain and misery all over again -- enough to kill an ox. The trauma is a recurring nightmare that plays in our heads and we end up doubting ourselves whether or not it's truly over.

However, I dare say that those walls may also be unknowingly put up in a bid to find out who will bother to knock it down and come through to our side. It is perhaps a method that will filter out those whom haven't given up on us yet -- regardless of the fact that we have fully put across that we've given up on ourselves; more so, them.

It is one of the special instances that we indulge ourselves in narcissistic and self-absorbed attitudes and completely wallow in self-pity. We put ourselves in darkness to discover who will shine the light on us and help us out. Unfortunately, many fail the test and continue to walk out on us without ever turning back. But there are the golden few who have done otherwise and persisted to knock down our walls amid bleeding hands.

If you get one person to do that -- to fight for you -- then you have probably done something right.

It may be hard to believe sometimes, but we are truly never alone. The thing is, we might not exactly get the attention and compassion of those people we are hoping would contribute them, but there will always be someone else who is willing to do so. We simply have to open our eyes and minds to them because we may choose those whom we want to love, but it's no longer within our control who decides to love us.

So yes, you may put up that wall, but permit others to break it down. After all, we all need knights in shining armors right?


Blogger Steve said...

Knock Knock

7:13 PM  
Blogger raghav said...

numbness, abstain, and then cheat oneself into believing that sacrifice and self denial is the ultimate way to get Nirvana .. Yeah rite !

you have to learn from ur past experiences .. not be degraded and destroyed by them. Fortifying yourself does nothing to grow out of the situation ..
I prefer Knight(ess) in shiny armour though .. :D

8:45 PM  
Blogger caramaena said...

A very thought provoking post.

Thanks for visiting my blog :)

10:02 PM  
Blogger XioniX said...

i ll give you this...without the shadow of a doubt, i believe that you have walls built around urself...

your blogs are live examples for it... they are always 'general'... and somehow, always on a topic that is far from the previous... it is difficult to imagine that a person goes thru so many of these experiences in so little time... where is the truth and where is the relevant?

10:20 PM  
Blogger Princess Banter said...

Raghav -- Haha, no worries, I'll be sure to pass the word to give you a knightess! And I like that -- convincing oneself of otherwise ;) there's is bliss in not being aware, no?

Xionix -- Is it truly hard to fathom that perhaps my blog isn't a "dear diary" sort of thing? Pardon me for not telling you what I had for breakfast or what I wore for the day... but I do enjoy putting down my thoughts in black and white and perhaps share it to people who appreciate it. And I'm not 10 years old... what makes you so sure that I haven't gone through all these experiences in my life? And for the records, they're thoughts and observations inspired by experiences -- may it be mine or someone else's. And as for having walls around me, who doesn't? Don't you? You don't even have a blog linked up to your name...

10:41 PM  
Blogger Jewel said...

I could hardly believe it when I read that you are only 25, Princess. Your writing seems to be that of someone older, oh, but I believe you are 25. *smile* You write very well and express many of my own thoughts, especially "Walls of the Heart", as I've been turned a little inwardly of late, for whatever reason. I'll be back! *smile*

10:51 PM  
Blogger it's the little things... said...

Thank you for visiting my blog, and subsequently directing me over here. I can't believe you are 25 either...your writing is introspective in all the best ways.
Today, I'm thinking about Great Wall of the order to tie our two posts together!

11:15 PM  
Blogger --Sunrise-- said...

Hi Princess!

One of your greatest fears reflects mine... that of being lonely.

As for the rest of your post, I'm still thinking and thinking (and thinking... lol, there's a reason why my blog is called "Lost in Thoughts" I guess!) about it..

The girl a couple of years (maybe more?) younger than me, inside me, can relate to this... I dare say that those walls may also be unknowingly put up in a bid to find out who will bother to knock it down and come through to our side.. then I stopped thinking with that frame of mind, because it seemed to get me nowhere.. (except get me pissed off that no-one was willing to "break the wall" LOL) and it (I say this in retrospect) made me more narrow-minded.. by putting those walls up, we're the ones creating unnecessary boundaries aren't we? By putting those walls up, we are also losing out on the view outside..

What may have seemed like an action that didn't break down our walls by a loved one, may have been our loved one's best attempts at trying to get through to us. How are we expected to see it if we go creating unnecessary borders around us?

And by creating these walls, we ourselves may not be able to peer into the eyes of our loved ones.. doesn't that make us like the people we were trying to "filter out".. just because they don't manage to break the walls doesn't mean that they would make "bad" friends.. does it?

I guess it varies from person to person... I really don't know. I'm just rambling away here lol. Hope I made some sense... :S

11:32 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

the feeling of someone you love walking away from you can lead to disastrous states... i m running through similar tragedy right now and hence i can relate to your words at a spiritual level... there is no great pain in this world than being ignored by the one you love the most...

i m feeling like i should not let anyone play with my emotions anymore... whats the point when you are going to be trashed out like useless garbage...?

there are friends in this horrible hour of time who stand by to provide all the support needed; but it takes a long long time before returning back to an equilibrium...

and sometimes i think, its okay... i learned something valuable; just it was the hard way around...

thanks for visiting my blog... do stop by later... a very unusual story is going to be posted real soon...

1:59 AM  
Blogger Dragon Laugh said...

This is a very interesting post- I like it.

I think that walls can be alright so long as, like you said you do allow some light to come in, and realize that whether you want it or not, whether you like it or not, there will always be someone who wants to see you break down those walls, and will do everything they can to help.

However, walls can be dangerous, as well. If the person hiding doesn't want to be dug out, there's nothing anyone can do about it, short of serious therapy. I was a "knightess in shining armor" myself for someone I held as a dear friend for over a decade before finally giving up on her and walking away, realizing that she would not allow herself to evolve as a human being until and unless she accepted that she could, and nothing I could say or do would change that. I never looked back, but have heard through the grapevine that so far, I'm right; she hasn't changed one bit, and is still running full-throttle down a path of destruction for not only herself but her young daughter as well.

It's sad, truly, and sometimes I hate myself for giving up on her, but realize that this is a decision she needs to make for herself, and all the knights or knightesses in the world riding the wildest of horses will not change that.

It all comes down to the individual behind the wall, in the end. Some of them refuse to accept that they need or deserve help.

All in all, great post. Thanks for making me think, and thanks for visiting my blog :)

4:14 AM  
Blogger Aidan said...

A level of emotional maturity i like it... Imagine going into your current relationship, with out any of the previous hurt, no fears no insecurities or doubts. Imagine how amazing that relationship would be...

Walls just keep people out (obviously), you need to learn from the bad, but dont let that discourage you from the good.. Living in fear of might happen, may prevent you from truly enjoying what is happeneing.

It is easier said than done... The knight in armour may not come you have to knock down the walls yourself...

Take care out there


5:17 AM  
Blogger Another Twentysomething said...

I love the ones who get inside my walls. (Just re-read that and TOTALLY dont mean that too be pervy)

6:20 AM  
Blogger Keshi said...

I have built too many walls even I cant find my true self anymore!


9:38 AM  
Blogger Molly said...

I used to have all kinds of protective walls, and moats, and ramparts guarded by dragons built around the real me, until I realised it's better to be open to rejection and hurt than to close off all the possibilities you turn your back on when you're so busy making your little corner of the world "safe".

11:03 AM  
Blogger Sling said...

The wall around my heart stands unbreached,lo these several years!...crap...

12:32 PM  
Blogger nel said...

I think a foundation is always needed before building a wall. Have to agree with Raghav that knight in shiny armour is not my cup of tea either ... lol ... cheers for the day again to all the guys and gals posting here ... ;)

12:42 PM  
Blogger Princess Banter said...

Heya all :) Thanks for all the comments. You guys give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside...

Jewel -- Aww thanks :) Trust me though, I'm quite a kid at heart and a part of me still refuses to believe that I'm already 25!

Little Things -- I'd have to say the same about you! I love the way you write and the amount of thought you put into your writing. Keep it up!

Sunrise -- I totally agree. We put up walls to protect ourselves but we sometimes forget that by doing that, we are unknowingly blocking ourselves off from other people too. We sometimes get so consumed with our own problems, that we neglect our social obligations with friends :(

DJ -- I'm sorry, darling, that you're hurting so much. But trust me, as I've said previously, you're simply too good for that girl if she doesn't see your real worth *hugs* You will meet someone who will never walk out on you... and who will always be with you.

Dragon Laugh -- Yes, I have friends of the same sort. It's so frustrating having to deal with them and knocking some sense in them. But you're right, at the end of the day, we can only do so much. At least you can honestly say you've tried. Don't feel bad that she doesn't want to open up and continue to live a life of self-destruction. She doesn't know that she's only sabotaging her own life. You're a good friend, Dragon Laugh, and may your pure heart always remain pure :)

Aidan -- Unfortunately, for people to knock our walls down, we have to show them that the walls are weak and are easy to knock down. It's a 2-ways street, just like every relationship. And yes, I wish we are all given more chances than once to experience relationships as if we've never gotten hurt before...

Another 20something -- Haha, Freudian slip? ;) But yes, those who get through our walls totally need to be cherished. I, for one, doesn't have many contenders in that alley... and I'm just starting to realize it after 25 yrs!

Molly -- Yes, you're right. We get too absorbed somehow by making our own little haven but in truth, we're simply ostracizing ourselves from everything else. We may be "protected" not just from hurt and misery, but also for love and happiness.

Sling -- Join the club. I have a few scratches here and there on my walls... but I still have faith I'll get someone with a sledgehammer :)

Nel -- How about letting me peek into your lovely world? :) And let me read your blog if you have one? Purteeh please? I think I've gotten too jaded to believe in knight in shining armors... but it doesn't mean they don't exist :)

5:05 PM  
Blogger XioniX said...

he he... the problem about text is that it lacks accent.. it lacks emotion (unless written by a truly versatile writer).

When I asked, where is the truth and where is the relevant, I was merely wonderin: which of the experiences written down there relate to a true incident and which, if any, relate to you.

As you, yourself quoted, it is not neccessary that all those blogs relate to you... I never asked you to pen down your daily activities... why would I? You write well whatever it is that you write.

Surely, you dont think that i shud be crucified for 'wondering'(as different from askin you to state it) which amongst the above are fiction.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Hi princess b, this is a bit off the cuff, but in my experience, you put the walls up and then you get so goddamned bored behind them coz nothing ever happens, so you have to knock them down.

6:45 PM  
Blogger nel said...

... graced by your presence, forget I sense in you ... urmmmmm ...

[ - in the voice of Yoda - ]

... :)

9:00 PM  
Blogger Suhrid said...

Stranger *knocking* :) came to ur blog via Sudipta's..

very well expressed.. I guess it is human nature to build such "walls" around oneself.. but I feel true art lies in living without any boundaries or walls.. be free like a bird.. and yet be unperturbed by the occasional turbulence..

2:02 AM  
Blogger nasia said...

hi princess..
Its absolutely true.. We never get compassion from the places we want it.. but if we hav done something good in life, we get it from someone or the other.. how much we appreciate this, is left to us though.

2:47 PM  
Blogger nasia said...

also thanks a lot for visiting my blog.. :-) keep droppin in time and again

2:51 PM  
Blogger Shruti said...

thoght provoking..made me think about certain other issues of life...
my mind is just running to searh something...but for no use..
anyways..take care..

6:31 PM  
Blogger mathew said...

very well written me me thinkin ho protective i have been of myself..

there are times in a persons life when someone wants to just cry out but still cant do it!!

9:50 PM  
Blogger fifi said...

I hope you are able to emerge from your walls

treasure those who break in. They may not always be there.

I have discovered that the reason you put the wall up in the first place fades away, and you can let it go. Events occur and throw these things into focus: there is always possibility, always something on your horizon.
Keep looking out to sea: stand on a chair, and peek over the wall!

6:05 AM  
Blogger alex said...



11:33 PM  
Blogger alpine path said...

Rightly said, “we can only decide who we can love and not who can love us”. This post has raised a few questions (and given some surprising answers) deep down my heart. Thanks for it! It was a great experience.

5:39 PM  

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