Sunday, February 18, 2007

Home at the End of the World

I've always been a city girl -- or at least I'd like to think I've always been (and will be) a city girl. However, there had always been bouts in my head wherein I wish for the exact opposite. For a fair number of times, I have found myself wishing to be in the middle of nowhere, a quiet town with a handful of friendly people, far from the burdens of the material world, and living life by the day -- instead of looking forward whilst calculating my steps and movements.

It isn't about the proverbial suburban life -- husband, 2.4 kids, white picket fences and bake sales. No, not that at all (kill me, please!). As a matter of fact, it is more of the quality of life -- being free from worry of trivial matters, appreciating simple things like the sunsets or maybe a good meal, getting to know people close to you without reservation, and perhaps drinking in the gifts that the present day has to offer. Far from the bustling city where unnecessary issues become gargantuan priorities in life, I would sometimes yearn for life where I can be alone without being lonely -- as opposed to being lonely whilst not being alone.

Finding meaning purely based on love and need -- is it impossible? Or have we been clouded by the numerous elements that the modern day has brainwashed us to long for? Happiness ought to be simple, but it never is.

I never understood who makes the call of which kind of life is better? The beautiful big noisy world out there is just impossible to tackle within one lifetime. One would probably need to be reincarnated a thousandfold in order to know what's out there -- or perhaps not. Maybe it truly is impossible to delve into the four corners of the mysterious. What matters is, the one shot that you get in your life... is one where you have reached maximum happiness in. However, that can be the tricky bit.

Whilst it is excessively easy to know when you're sad, it is almost impossible to realize when you are truly happy. After all, there will always be bigger and better things that we would thirst for -- it's the curse of human nature.

When life stops being about money and opening the next door to (seeming) success -- then perhaps one has actualized life. However, life is far too complex with the involvement of human weakness, especially with the cardinal sins lingering around too frequently and too closely. I used to think that wisdom and worldliness will make me stronger -- therefore, making me more whole. But every time I succumb to experiences that lead me to pain and regret, I lose a little bit of myself and a little bit of hope -- only to be replaced by jadedness, cynicism and bitterness. Sure, I'm stronger, and I know better. I feel robbed, however, of the chance of happiness without impurities.

Then again, it has never happened before, has it?

To be simple takes great courage and humility. And to be happy requires simplicity. And happiness is our home at the end of the world... where nothing else matters.


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