Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Unwritten

I'm not sure exactly what pushed me to dig up an age-old blog (one I created before this), but I did. I'm still deciding whether or not that's a good idea. A lot of the writing was cringe-worthy, but at the same time shamelessly nostalgic.

This particular one which I wrote back in 2006 managed to pull some chords somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I vividly remember writing it four years ago... and I remember going through the emotions that I was feeling that very moment. It was my first time coming back to Boston after abruptly leaving it in 2003. It's one of my encounters with closure -- when I had to let go of an unfinished chapter in my life so I could move on to the next.


Ghost Of New Year Past
9:04pm EST - December 31, 2005

I'm glad I've come to terms that 2006 is coming... because it's here. Not that I can do much about it. I think I'm ready for it. I'm ready to accept all the changes that have happened and those that are bound to happen. One more bullet to bite -- out of the many that I've already choked on.

I've just arrived here in Boston a couple of hours ago. I feel like Death just ran over me with a vengeance. I don't think I ever got used to all those long-haul flights that I used to take four times a year (for about five years, mind you).

Coming to Boston has instilled a variety of feelings in me. I still haven't quite sorted out what they are, truth be told. I'm exhausted and bushed... and all I want is to lay in bed covered in fluffy comforters and feather-like pillows. I feel like I've been put in some bizarre twilight zone where I'm back to relive the past that I've left behind. The same past that I was hoping to detach myself from.

Upon inserting my key in the keyhole of my brother's flat (my former abode), and turning it slightly to the right and hearing the lock click before the door opens in a warm welcome... I observed the once-familiar place. As I turned on the lights by the foyer, I immediately saw my 22-year-old self running down the stairs, putting on my boots, grabbing my car keys and heading towards my car. It seems like it was just yesterday. I can still feel the sadness that I've kept inside me... the heaviness, the uncertainty. For two years I cradled it; it became a part of me. And this place was a witness to all of it. My bathroom was my refuge. I took profoundly long showers... hot showers that sent steam everywhere. I pretended that the steam were my problems and that I was letting them out.

I entered my former bedroom... and opened up my closet. All the clothes that I left were still there. They still smell of inexperience, naiveity and jadedness. Even my cupboards were still intact. All the consumer goods that I've purchased to boost the retail sales of the good ol' US of A were still there... untouched; as if waiting to be used again.

I'm no longer from around here. I'm officially a visitor... or perhaps a returning one. I'm not here to stay and somehow, this makes me smile of relief. This great city has certainly taught me lots and I've to admit, I was forced to grow up and make numerous major decisions in my life. Unfortunately, I had to take the consequences and results somewhere else...

I'm glad to be back, that's for sure... and because I know I'm not here to stay, everday is like a new dawn. Happy New Year!


It only seems like yesterday when everything happened. I can hardly fathom that it's almost been a decade. Good times, indeed. Memories are lovely things.

2 Comments:

Blogger Naziya said...

wow! that was sooo beautiful.. very well written..

5:17 PM  
Blogger dilip said...

hmmm...Nice!
All i want to say is you should post more often..:)

10:36 PM  

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